The Weather

HOW COLD IS IT?
An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
* Italian cars don't start

+32
* Distilled water freezes

+30
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!!

+15
* You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
* Minnesotans go swimming

+10
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
* New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate

-15
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Bock beer production begins
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Minnesotans button top button

-40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70
* Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

-80
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes

-445
* Superconductivity

-452
* Helium becomes a liquid

-454
* Hell freezes over

-456
* Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
* Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy
* The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed